better

so, i've spent some time doing one of my favorite relaxing things...sitting in the dark and listening to music very loudly...lucky for chris and caden i figured out how to download some songs to my mp3 player!! i'm feeling much better and much more in control. i will do this and i will NEVER, hear me.....NEVER be this size again. i'm determined, motivated, and a little pissed that it has taken me this long to suck it up and get on it. after all, it's my own stupid fault that i'm here...it still makes me angry though that i can't be one of those tiny little things that never gains a freaking pound. but that's really not ever going to change so it's up to me! i'll be stronger when it's over....i'll grow stronger everyday along the way too. every day, every moment that i make good choices is really another battle won and that's bound to build you up! it's a strange feeling really, to at moments feel so strong and committed and at the same time to feel right on the edge...pushes in the right direction will take me far! i'm ready to live life as a small person again and forever (except of course when i'm pregnant again)! i'm very much enjoying working out and i intend to keep it up and add to my current plan actually. so, here we go on the upswing....this week might be heck to make it through but it will all be worth it when i go and weigh in on tuesday i know it!! and it'll be so worth it to feel good about my physical self again and to feel proud when i walk into a room rather than like hiding. so...that's it!!